i'm not much into health food, i am into champagne
by faar
Summary: Who happens to find Kylo Ren's unconscious body in the snow, minutes before the explosion? Kylo/OC.


_one_

"Don't give him the cheap antibiotics, Wanda. He looks important."

"Sorry, we _only_ got the cheap ones."

Garo let his trump droop to the ground. "So, he stands a good chance of dying."

Wanda snorted. She tapped Kylo Ren's pallid cheeks with the back of her hand. "Pretty boy here will be fine. He's got the Force. Or the Fairies. Or whatever it is."

"I don't think the Force works like that."

"We don't run a hospital. The First Order will be glad to have him, scabs and all."

###

He woke up to the sound of blaring guitar strings and thumping drumbeats. It sounded like some of those underground cantinas he'd visited as a kid with his fa-

Well, not anymore.

He stood up too quickly and almost hit his head against the upper bunk. His head was swimming. His hands were shaking. He felt feverish. But he was alive.

The music was coming from somewhere outside the infirmary. He supposed it was an infirmary. The place was crammed with empty kits of medical supplies and a medical unit was stationed near the door, but it had deposited at least three layers of dust.

Still, when he looked down at his stomach, he saw stitches. He was only wearing light linen trousers. He had been stripped and tended. But he had been undressed.

His muscles tensed. He felt himself grow distant and cool, the way Supreme Leader Snoke had taught him.

The trickiest part was controlling his heartbeat. Afterwards, it was easy to slow down his breathing and clear his head. Whoever was beyond that door, they did not stand a chance against him.

He only needed to relax and focus.

Easier said than done with that _awful_ music playing in the background.

He struggled to get his feet down and wobbled to the panel next to the door. He tapped the First Order code. Big shocker, it didn't work.

Kylo Ren couldn't use the Force on the electrical device. He could, at the most, wrench it out of the wall and that would solve nothing.

So he resorted to beating his fist against the door.

In the first few moments, he wasn't sure anyone had heard him. He could only hear the booming trills of a saxophone. He _could_ sense life form beyond the room, however. He gritted his teeth. They would get punished for subjecting him to this humiliation.

He beat his fist against the door until he felt his knuckles going numb. He was too weak to pull the metal apart, but he was going to try.

"Yo, Garo! I think the cargo's awake!"

The voice was gruff but female. Kylo pulled his fist to the side. He waited with bated breath for the woman to open the door. The Force was strong with him. He tapped into the Dark Side with relief. Han Solo was dead. He could finally drink from darkness without a nagging sense of doubt and guilt.

The door flew open with a _woosh._

Kylo was knocked flat on his back before he could even raise his hand. His back hit the ground and the air went out of his lungs. _Woosh._

There was a _boot_ on his chest.

"Garo! You deaf? I said cargo's awake! And he's a feisty one!"

A dark figure loomed over him. The owner of the boot.

"Thought you could zap me with the Force, huh?"

He blinked, until her image became clear. She was dark-skinned, of medium height, bright green eyes. Her hair, however, was a spiky purple shock atop her head.

A lumbering creature appeared behind her, wielding an arsenal of weapons across his chest.

"Damn, Wanda, you want to open his stitches now?" he complained, looking at Kylo with concern.

"He's stronger than he looks," she argued, not removing her boot.

"No way to treat our guest," Garo grumbled.

Kylo tried to push her foot away, but she was considerably strong. He looked into her eyes with cool severity. His warning was clear; get off or suffer the consequences.

"If you try anything, Garo will shoot you into the next galaxy," she replied, seemingly unfazed by his glare. "But we should introduce ourselves. I'm Wanda, this elegant creature here is Garo, and we're the lucky collectors who found you on the ice planet."

Her words threw him in a cloud of confusion.

 _Ice planet...ice planet...death star._

His mind was bringing old memories to the surface. Only they were not _old_. He had been cut down with a lightsaber. Luke's lightsaber. The girl from the desert.

"Now we don't wanna brag or anything, but we pretty much saved your life out there. We know you're a Knight of Ren, your clothes told us that much. But hey, that's your story. We'll take you back to your base and get our payment. How does that sound?"

She had removed her boot from his chest, but he was still deep in thought. He needed to find that girl. She was Force-sensitive. She was a threat that needed to be absorbed or destroyed. No middle ground.

Someone was pulling him up. Wanda and Garo caught him by his underarms and dragged him back to bed.

"You didn't save me," he muttered. "Master Snoke did." It was his teachings that had kept him alive and strong, he was sure of it.

The girl rolled her eyes. "Yeah, sure. Master Snowball grabbed your inert body from the snow and took care of your wounds and is now piloting this ship. Totally."

Kylo was fairly confused and weakened, but even through the fog of distraction, he had heard her slanderous words.

"Do not insult Supreme Leader Snoke."

She started applying a spray to his wounds. He gasped in pain.

"Disinfectant. Also, your boss sounds rad and all, but he's not _our_ boss, so we can talk whichever way we like."

"No, you _cannot._ I forbid you."

The creature named Garo looked at him with apprehension. "Seems like he's got some authority, Wanda."

"Might only be acting like it," was her reply.

"I order you to take me back where you found me. I won't punish you if you do as I say." _Too much._

Wanda opened her mouth, exhaled and to his utter shock, laughed. A big, hearty laugh that shook her entire body.

Kylo was growing impatient with her indolence. "Stop it."

"I'm sorry," she said, wiping a tear, "it's just really hilarious. You do remember your base got blown up, yes?"

He blinked and repeated her words dumbly. "Blown up."

"The Resistance? They blew up the whole planet? It was pretty impressive. Big fireworks."

 _No..._

He had been so engrossed in the fighting, he had been one with his lightsaber, his environment had ceased to matter...but yes, he remembered the crater and the smoke, the explosions... the earth had split in half, leaving him on the other side.

"Man, you took some knocking if you can't remember that. Well, most of your crew is probably alive. And I mean the higher-ups. If you were fond of any low-level stormtrooper, well, now would be the time to grieve."

Kylo could barely keep up with her words. Her brand of humor was sharp and unpleasant and it reminded him of Ha-

"We got intel General Hux is already at the back-up base," she continued, unperturbed. "That's where we're going. Unless you wanna be dropped into outer space or something."

Garo nudged her in the ribs. "Enough, Wanda. He's only disoriented."

"Well, he's got time to come round. Now," she said, pointing her finger at him, "stay put and try to rest. We've got a long journey ahead."

She pulled a woolen comforter over his half-naked body and turned away, leaving him in Garo's charge.

Before she disappeared out the door, she turned her head slightly and smiled. "Oh, yeah. I'm taking good care of your lightsaber."

Kylo felt his blood boil. "Wait, I demand you -"

But she was gone.

Kylo raised his arm feebly towards Garo.

"I wouldn't do that if I were you," he mumbled bashfully. "My species responds very little to the Force."

Kylo clenched his teeth. Lies, of course. But as he applied more pressure to his fingers, he was met with resistance. And the more he tried to pierce through the doughy man's several layers of skin, the more he failed.

He was reluctantly impressed. He had heard of some biological exceptions, but this was the first time he was meeting one.

 _He's the girl's secret weapon_ , he realized belatedly.

Who were these two "collectors"? Why had they been on the ice planet? He would find out soon enough.

He lowered his head on the pillow.

His world had been turned upside down in a matter of hours. But he was still a Knight of Ren and Supreme Leader Snoke's apprentice. He had ceased, for good, to be Ben Solo. His father existed no more. Perhaps this was his rebirth.

He sighed and closed his eyes.

Ten minutes later, he was startled by sound.

The infirmary was empty, but someone had turned on the music from before. The same blaring guitar strings, saxophone trills and cacophonous beats.

 _Wanda,_ he thought with irritation. _That's her name. And she has my lightsaber._

* * *

 _A/N: so, me and everyone I know loved TFA. Particularly the wonderfully disturbed Kylo Ren. This is going to be a Kylo/OC story, but hopefully with a twist? The title is inspired by the Pina Colada song by Rupert Holmes. It probably goes without saying that the story will also have echoes of Guardians of the Galaxy. Hope you like!_


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